Welcome to Good Hurts!

Good Hurts is dedicated to the best hurts on Earth: spicy foods.
I'm Russell. I teach English, write poetry, but most importantly, I am a spice aficionado and I dedicate myself to categorizing, reviewing, and torturing myself with the spiciest foods and sauces this great world has to offer, all so you can know about the most brutal, benevolent, and best bangs for your buck. Email me at hotfreakrussell@gmail.com


Enjoy, and feel the burn.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Melinda's XXXXtra Reserve: A reserve for the rest of us


Ah, yes. The world of "reserves." Whether it's music, booze, gourmet foods, or anything, really, when you slap "reserve" on it, it just gives it that special tingle of joining a secret club or being told a really juicy secret. Hot sauce companies know all about double secret reverse special reserves. Dave's, Blair's, and some of the biggest and baddest companies out there make special reserves, promising outrageous levels of spice and even more outrageous prices. Even Tabasco got in on the reserve action, selling hyper-pricey bottles of their special "Avery Island" reserve sauce.  Melinda's Hot Sauce, run by the Figueroa Brothers, have tossed their hat into the not-enough-for-everyone-only-those-with-a-big-wad-of-bills game, making a reserve that's bountiful enough for everyone!


Let's look at the facts: Their website claims: From time to time, optimal growing conditions can produce Habanero crops that yield extremely fiery chiles, Melinda's ages these select chiles to make our new XXXXtra Hot Reserve. It is made with the same fine ingredients present in our famous Original Habanero Recipe. This is the hottest Melinda's. Limited Quantities available. Luckily for us, the growing conditions were just right to get plenty out to gourmet stores and in massive quantities online! Sow hat makes it a reserve sauce? Here's my checklist:
 -Special gold emblem proclaiming the hot sauce's "Special Reserve" status and year (a la fine wine [2009])? Check.
-All aboard the natural foods bandwagon? Check.
-Party stopper*? Check.

*I call this devilish contraption a "party stopper." It's a little plastic ring you put over your hot sauce bottle to prevent people from pouring out too much. In fact, it adds a twinge of restrictive elitism; this stopper prevents the buying from pouring out too much sauce at once, subtly enforcing the idea that the sauce is so hot and special that you only need a little. For true pepperheads, this is the equivalent of a palsy one-slice limit at a great pizza party.

Good Hurts: It's got a good, solid habanero burn. Probably too much for the average person, but hey, this sauce is RESERVE! Only the golden may touch the spice. Honestly, it's a solid heat that will do you proud on food and lingering on your tongue, bite after bite. Habaneros are obviously (if you read this site as much as I hope you do) a reoccurring theme in hot sauce, naturally hot as hell and dependable for heat.


Flavor: The best part of this reserve sauce, special or no, is the fact that it uses all natural ingredients and vegetables as its base. No coloring, no science-gums; nothing but carrots, onions, lime juice, garlic, and the usual suspects: vinegar and peppers. You can really taste the carrots and salty garlic. There are hot habanero (and ghost pepper sauces) with less ingredients that taste even better, however. As far as regular people go, this sauce really is something special. The acid and veggies work together here well enough for everyone.

Availability: I'm a huge pro wrestling fan, so work with me, if you will. The WWE has three separate shows with three seperate rosters: Raw, Smackdown, and ECW.  Raw and Smackdown have the biggest stars, the top belts, and the most exposure. ECW is on Syfy, the former Science Fiction channel, and has the smallest amount of viewers. It also has its own title, which is really cool, but less exposed and prestigious than the WWE or World Heavyweight titles on Raw and Smackdown, respectively. Melinda's XXXXtra Reserve is the ECW title of reserve hot sauce. It tastes good, has a solid heat, and is available in gourmet and specialty grocery stores. Blair's 3 AM and Dave's Special Reserve are REALLY expensive and hard to find, but deadly hot. This is a special reserve, but cheap and easy to find in many places.

Good on: The flavor is a little too veggie-heavy and garlicy, I think, for a lot of different cuisines. Mexican is a must, and salsa-livening is suggested. Basically, if it's a standard item you'd put hot sauce on, Melinda's XXXXtra Reserve is for you.

My Review:
Heat: ***3/4
Flavor: ***1/2
My Review: 7.6/10

For a reserve for the rest, don't shy away from Melinda's XXXXtra Reserve, the hottest of the Melinda's brand.




Sunday, November 29, 2009

"Meanie Sauce: A Taste to Fear": Far from the Main Event


Alright, alright...I know I said I wouldn't review more Louisiana style hot sauce, filled to capacity with vinegar and tabasco peppers, but this hot sauce couldn't escape my radar. As a die-hard professional wrestling fan, I couldn't resist something featuring ECW original Blue Meanie. And as a lover of all things hot, I had to see if this habanero-based sauce could push the paradigm of generic Louisiana sauce into a new arena. Does it soar to the Main Event? Or will it remain a novelty curtain jerker in a world of hardcore hot sauce?

Let's Look at the Facts: Brian Heffron, AKA The Blue Meanie, is a comedy wrestler known for his chunky white frame, cut-off t shirts, bright blue hair and beard, and drawn-on thick glasses.
Who wouldn't trust this man to decide what they put in their bodies? He moonsaulted (top rope backflip) from the dingy, overcrowded tiny venues of Extreme Championship Wrestling to the mega-arenas of the then-WWF throughout the mid to late 90s. The 2000s were a little slower for the Meanie in the ring, as he bounded back for cameo appearances in the dying ECW and then briefly back to WWE. However, the 90s saw Meanie venture into the hot sauce world...or at least his likeness did. Released by Hot Sauce Factory, this sauce has the simplicity and novelty to make it worth trying, but the tired convention to count it out from the great match of flavor.


Good Hurts: Because this sauce uses hanaberos, you can be sure it edges out most watery red sauces in terms of heat. For hot freaks, it's too little. For the rest, it's a decent level of spiky heat that will trump a regular Louisiana sauce any day of the week.


Flavor: The habanero has an odd sweetness, but you won't taste it here. The garlic and salt are pretty much all you can taste. It's also quite watery, and they've added vegetable gum to sort of thicken it up, but without it it would be a little glass bottle o' water. Is it a taste to fear? If you have a problem with a big cup of ocean water and some slightly-off tasting garlic, then yes, it is a taste to fear. It honestly isn't awful. I wouldn't blame the Meanie for this one...I would blame the world of Louisiana novelty sauces that are easy to make and even easier to slap a picture on. Hot freaks know to maneuver around these sauces, and you should, too.

Availability: Relatively obscure. Lots of websites have it, and any novelty hot sauce store will, too. Don't be afraid to step in the ring with Hot Sauce Factory to order it right from the maker, either.

Good for: As with most sauces like this, I say dump it liberally on subs and pizza. If you like drowning your food in this type of sauce, you can kick up the spice with a hint of garlic right here. I usually dump some in a pot of chili, usually. Usually. That's the thing...the overall "usual" nature of this sauce is just a little to "eh" for someone like the ECW original, the Blue Meanie.

Review:
Heat: **3/4
Flavor: **
My Review: 3.7/10

Unless you're a member of the Blue World Order, an ECW die hard looking for all things hardcore, or a member of the Meanie's immediate family, I say avoid giving your taste buds a pinfall or submission loss to this disappointing sauce.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Good Hurts Video Kaboom: Trip to Atomic Blast Sauces

Happy Thanksgiving! Enjoy a spicy holiday with Russell and The Godfather!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Two Flaming Arrows Hot Sauce: All American, All Natural!


The immortal question posited by legendary rock band The Shaggs was "who are parents?" In their case, "parents are the ones who really care." But in my case, parents are the ones who bring you back fresh, all-natural hot sauce from their trip to New Mexico. The bottle says that it's for BRAVE people, but it is brave enough to run the Good Hurts gauntlet and survive?


Let's look at the facts: Made by Navajo run Nizhoni Keyah, Inc foods (and just in time for Thanksgiving!-Russell), Two Flaming Arrows prides itself on its bold Southwest roots, images, and flavors.
Their website drops you right into its rich depiction of its territory:


Imagine a vast expanse of desert terrain, where yucca, cedar, and cottonwood trees dot the
deep red sedimentary rock and golden multi-colored sandstone mesas stand in deep contrast
against the sky.
That is exactly where you are when you take a taste of "PFS" Salsa & Sauces for our Food
products are traditionally inspired and uniquely Southwest!
Like many of our favorite hot sauces, one company owns another, which owns another, etc. PFS stands for Pueblo Food Specialties, a special branch of Nizhoni Keyah dedicated to the best in the Southwest: salsa and the hot stuff.


Good Hurts: Forget Custer, trade whiskey, and man-eating cacti. What would the Southwest be without its legendary spice? This is a really great hot sauce for the above average man. While it's an average heat for real hot freaks, it leaves a lingering, lip tingling heat that will never disappoint. The magic lies in the combination of vibrant red chili powder, pequin peppers (a must for Mexican picante hot sauces), and habanero powder. But the real place the arrows nail the target is on flavor.

Flavor: Ah, yes. For a flavor as bright and thick as Adobe walls, you can't miss this New Mexico must. Orange juice, flavorful cayenne peppers, honey, tomato, and garlic leave you with a traditional garden-of-vegetable sauce without the kidney punching saltiness of too much vinegar. Best of all, the ingredients are fresh and delicious. It's a well-rounded tomato flavor, sort of like a (Southwest) chili, which overpowers some of those sweeter ingredients. Don't be expecting a tropical fruity blast (or small explosion) in this one.


Availability: Their website humbly requests that you "Give the Gift of the First Americans." However, just because it's Thanksgiving doesn't mean this sauce will ever be out of season. This sauce is New Mexican made, proudly, and is available throughout hot sauce emporiums in the state. Of course, their website has plenty for the rest of us.


Good for: One thing about this sauce is that it's proud of the fact that it won't tear a hole in your stomach or remove industrial driveway stains (oooh, burn, Dave's!), but this sauce is really good for snack foods and, in this reviewer's opinion, chicken salads, burritos, chili rellenos, and other flavorful Mexican dishes. If you have some New Mexican food handy, you better marry it to some New Mexican authentic goodness.


Review:
Heat: **1/2
Flavor: ***3/4
My Review: 8.7

This is a really great American sauce that is made my Braves, claims to be for the brave, and bravely stands behind its natural flavor and pleasant heat. This is for sure a New Mexican treat.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Cheech Mojo Mango Habanero Hot Sauce: Up in Sweet



Richard "Cheech" Marin made a name for himself with his stoney comedy and pie-faced, grunting Mexican immigrant character, but has long since traded his rolling papers and doobie truck for the expensive rustle of Hollywood TV scripts and the comforts of the golf cart. The omnipresent, clef-lipped face of Hispanic stoner humor has plastered it on this Costa Rican (!) hot sauce, but is it worth the association? This hot sauce reviewer says yes, but don't get too excited about a knock-your-socks-off hot sauce. This is way more sweet than heat.

Let's look at the facts: Who are the mysterious Figueroa Brothers (Inc.)? What do they want? And what is with their corporate-speak laden website, filled with smiling faces, easy-on-the-eyes colors, and dozens of hot sauces distributed from their Dallas, TX HQ?
Greg P. Figueroa, CEO, and David O. Figueroa, Jr. are two men with big, big dreams: while this hot sauce is (overall) tasty and enjoyable, their website provides insight for a deep rabbit hole...these men may very well be the ones to introduce the fiery habanero pepper to mainstream American mouths. This novelty hot sauce from Costa Rica bears a Cheech Marin likeness, but lacks the smoked-out hempy flavor it's namesake probably tastes like. Like the Figueroa Brothers' master plan of top-level hot sauce contendership (they're basically already there), this sauce is accessible but could push their proud habanero a bit more.

Good Hurts: This hot sauce has a little bit of a spike to each bite based on the habanero flakes and flavor in each bottle. However, that heat dissipates fast because the sauce is thick and sweet, quickly bursting with a citrus syrup and overwhelming the hots. For regular folks, this hot sauce might do the trick if they're in the mood for a hot sauce devoid of any salt or vinegar, but for seasoned hot sauce vets, this mango sauce might not be worth the the trip beyond Cheech's smiling face on the outside of the bottle.

Flavor: A thick syrup, this yellow sauce has the fantastic aroma of ripe mangos and sweet habanero chilies. The lack of salt flavor is a welcome edition to the hot sauce world, but the carrots, onion, and tomato paste that the ingredients mention are all but vanished against the slow, thick wall of lemon and citrus. The flavor, like a sweet chewing gum, is quick and intense but vanishes fairly quickly. An interesting sauce for sure, but it's sweetness might be a bit overpowering for some traditional hot sauce welcoming foods.

Availability: While this gimmicked sauce is easy to find online, it's really walking into precarious territory. It's made, undoubtedly, for fans of Cheech and Chong and their oft-hilarious munchies. It's not a necessity for anyone; the Figueroa Brothers know that, too. Melinda's is their main breadwinner, more easily available, and less goofy.

Good for: This sauce might not mesh well with beef tacos or burritos, and definately not anything with a rich tomato or cream sauce. This is the kind of sauce that clashes with other sauces...imagine putting sweet n' sour sauce a burrito suizo covered in cheese and tomato sauce. It's designed for munchies, perhaps, but that doesn't mean normals can't enjoy it too. Fresh fruit salsa would welcome this mango sauce, as would fish dishes and salads. Be ready for a mango mission if you want to eat this sauce.

Review:
Heat: **

Flavor:***3/4
My Review: 7.5/10

The Figueroa Brothers understand that when it comes to hot sauce distribution, many fingers in many pies means more flavors for more hot freaks. This sauce might be novelty in spirit, but the Texas brothers understand to that build a great hot sauce empire, you need foot soldiers in every nook and cranny of the battlefield.